Growing up fat I faced a lot of judgement that led to feelings of hurt or self doubt. We moved to a new town when I was in the second grade. That pivotal point led me to finding what I could always count on. Be it to console me when hurt, when I felt I had no friends, when lonely. I was treated really badly by schoolmates. Made to feel an outcast, but my worst enemy was much closer. My worst enemy was me. Could you be your own enemy? I'm opening up to show you how I was my own enemy and as you read, please revaluate your life to determine if whatever obstacles you face are the result of your own sabotage. You may not realize you are sabotaging yourself, I didn't. Once you realize it, changes can be made that will turn your life around and make you happier than you have ever been. If it can happen to me, it can happen to you too.
I was sexually abused by group of neighborhood older boys when I was 4 or 5. They took me behind the garage of a neighbor. My panties were pulled down and from that point on I felt like everything bad that happened was my fault. Instead of me realizing that those kids who taunted me in school were really the ones losing out I lamented over not fotting in. Consolation was found in food. Ultimately food became my enemy.
Starting in high school I turned to diet pills in effort to lose weight. Wearing a 32 inch waist in jeans I felt huge. Now, if I ever make it back down to a 32 I think I will throw a party. After my marriage I gained quite a bit of weight. It was during this time I quit looking in mirrors. My weight ballooned up. The breaking point was when my then husband took a picture of me sitting in a chair swing on the front porch. I looked like a whale. It was also around this time a stranger got on the elevator and a man asked when I was due, only my son was three. I had to do something. I embarrassed myself.
I went on a "stewardess" diet designed to help you lose 10 pounds a week. I didn't necessarily lose 10 pounds a week but I lost quite a bit. I plateaued and started taking the diet pills again. Ultimately, my son discovered roller skating through his daycare. We started skating as a family. It was fun. But most importantly it was exercise. I continued to lose weight. I climbed stairs at work. My legs and butt became rock hard. Instead of acting as if he were proud of me, my husband made fun of me. I wore tight jeans, and every time he saw me laying on the bed to zip them, he laughed at me and made fat jokes. I had the cute figure to wear tight jeans and I was proud of myself. I would go to great lengths to "fix myself up" to go out and not get one compliment from him. Yes my husband played on my insecurities. Yes he verbally abused me. That is when I really became my worst enemy.
I did the unthinkable. I met a handsome man who thought I was very pretty and had an affair, got caught and lost everything. There were some pretty serious threats made and I was too mentally insecure. This poor decision, this feeling of low self worth led me to what was the worst thing I have ever done to hurt myself. It also hurt the one person I have loved the most, my son. I let my ex have custody of my son. My low self esteem, my hatred of myself had me making the ultimate worst decision of my life. At the time I thought I was doing the best for him. It tore me up to not have my son with me. I considered suicide, going so far as sitting with the gun in my mouth contemplating blowing my brains out. I chickened out.
I continued to be my worst enemy for 10 years. I don't want to go into complete detail but highlights were I was homeless, picked myself up, got back with a boyfriend who was bad news and with whom I was with while homeless. I almost faced homeless for a second time when I left him for good. I floated between roommates and living with a boyfriend until I had worked enough to be able to afford my own apartment again and get completely on my feet. I was able to have my son on weekends again and I was happy. I gradually begin to gain the weight. I eventually had a new husband that loved me for me and we loved food together. But what I didn't realize until it was almost too late was that I was destroying my body, mainly my joints.
I come from a family that has a history of debilitating osteoarthritis. With my weight on my joints I quickly became a member of the "I am becoming crippled" club and it wasn't fun. I got to where I couldn't walk through a grocery store. I could barely make it through a quick shower because of excruciating pain. Again I realized I needed to do something. For a few years, prior to the loss of mobility I had been trying to lose weight. I also began working with a series of orthopedists to try to gain my mobility. Pain management didn't work and ultimately it meant that I needed to have a hip replacement. I discussed my weight with my surgeon and he was straightforward. He told me that to have the most optimum outcome I needed to lose weight. I again tried but I also started research on weight loss surgery. I did drag my feet because of my love affair with food. Finally after 6 months of foot dragging I made the leap and got a referral to a weight loss surgeon. I did all the required pre-testing and criteria and here I am today. It's Tuesday and Friday morning at 8am I am having my hip replacement surgery.
What I didn't realize was that through this journey I have begun to really have a renewed vision of life. A positive outlook. Yes throughout this journey I have lost some friends. But really what kind of friend were they? What I have gained is contentment and appreciation for life. I am so appreciative of my supportive family and friends and I know I will soon be able to walk all day long if I want to. Hopefully by April when there is a 30 mile antique sale I will be able to go and enjoy myself. I may be setting my sights too high and that's ok because they have it again in September.
So that's my story. Yes I left out some details because if I were to write my life story, well it would be a novel. But I'm putting this all down in hopes that you reading this may also re-evaluate your life. Are you headed in a path of self destruction? Stop and think what is going to happen if you don't make necessary changes before it is too late. Yes I have had to change my lifestyle, but I wish I had done this years ago. I finally have the brass ring firmly in my grasp and if you're not there yet I hope you find the path so you will be able to grasp your brass ring.
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