I Have Gotten off Track and Depression Season Begins

I suspected that it would happen.  I'm at another stall and part of it is my fault.  It's the holidays fault.  It's a hodgepodge of faults.  This is a hard time of the year.   While there are some who think it's a wonderful time of year there are those of us who try really hard to be positive and upbeat.  I thought I was doing good but the only thing I was good at was fooling myself.

In 5 weeks time I only lost 8 pounds.  Now I know that I shouldn't be upset because In those 5 weeks I was stalled with the scale not moving an ounce for two weeks.  In the overall scope of things there is much more to be upset about.

I know someone who is young and facing cancer.  She has 2 kids, 8 and 4.  She also suffers with a malady of mental health issues.  I know what a bitch this can be because I suffer from mental health issues, namely chronic depression.  Today she made a Facebook post and it really hit home with me.  She is facing financial hardship and has had to go on public assistance.  Unfortunately her meds that treat her mental health are not on their approved medicine list.  They cost her over $ 300.00 a month and she can not afford them.  Her doctor says she must go off these meds and be off them a month before they can put her on something that falls withing the accepted list for Mediwhatever. That month is causing her issues.  I understand what she is going through but unfortunately a lot of people don't.  They have an attitude of "why can't you just get in a better mood" or "what is it that causes you to think so badly of yourself?"

We don't know.  Trust me if we knew we would fix it.  So sometimes we go off our pills either by choice or for medical necessity or they need dosage adjustment.  We do things and say things that hurt people we care about, sometimes without realizing it.  Sometimes we realize that we are being a jerk but we have no way of stopping it.  It's like a freight train that is running downhill and the breaks don't work.  There is no way to stop.   So we hurt you, we feel bad, we even apologize eventually but sometimes it is too late.  The person we have offended decides they want to hold a grudge knowing full well what we are faced with.  That person becomes a friendemy with us and they think it's acceptable.

Well I am here telling you that is not acceptable.  Yes what we did to you was bad, awful and hurt you.  But what you need to realize is that we were not in our right mind when it happened.  If you can't truly forgive us, then you need to move on and get out of our life.  Stop with the passive aggressiveness.  Stop with the vagueness just get the hell out.  From where I am standing you are the person truly being evil.  We didn't know what we were doing at the time but you consciously make the decision to pay us back.  You consciously make the decision to make us an outcast to teach us a lesson.  You consciously say all is well while plotting how you are going to get your revenge.  Because you are "in your right mind" as you do this, that is what makes your actions evil.  No doubt about it.

For years there has been the thought that suicide rates rise around the holidays.  This is not true.  The process starts here.  The hurt begins, the depression begins and we spend months with it building.  We try to not do things that help alleviate us from the pain - the mental pain.  My friend cuts and pulls her hair out.  She stays in bed, I do too. She was saying she hasn't showered in 2 days. My all time record is 2 weeks.  We can't see anything but gloom and doom.   These feelings swell until the spring and that's when we have had enough and we decide the world would be a better place without us.  I have used the analogy that if a bus was out of control headed toward me, I don't know that I would step out of it's way.

So I'm asking you to have a heart.  Realize that the person with the mental illness is a person.  They have uber sensitive feelings.  They can't shake things off as easily as some.  So try to be more understanding.  Try to be kind when you just want to slap us.  When you say "I love you" truly mean it and don't make it lip service.  Really, if we could fix ourselves we would.  Do you think we like it this way?